A Love letter| TO MY ABUSER
The human brain is split into two halves, the real and the made up. The fiction and the
fact. The dreams and reality. This is wrote from the points of view of each half. They are written in no particular order, but the way your mind interprets it will be the judge. Sometimes the truth is too hard to face, so we hide it and replace it with something better.
A Love letter
I love you stronger than the winds can blow
I need you more than a dove needs the sky
I want to stay with you ‘till the end of my life
I feel you more than I feel my blood rushing through me
When I hold you I feel like I’m holding a flame
I’m holding a thing of beauty and passion
I’m holding a thing of energy and power
I’m holding my heart in my hands
When I see you, it’s like the welcoming of a new day
Like a rose dusted with drops of dew in a morning sun
Would a rose smell any sweeter by any other name?
I can think of a name of such
I sit here and write this with you in my mind
I sit here and see you in front of me
But the only way I can reach out and touch you
Is by letting these words cross my lips
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TO MY ABUSER
I love you stronger than I have the grip on this knife
I need you more than these pills spread out in front of me
I want to stay with you ‘till tomorrow
I feel you more than the stinging in my wrists
When I hold you I feel like I’m holding a flame
I’m holding a thing of death and destruction
I’m holding a thing of pain and suffering
I’m holding my bleeding heart in my burnt hands
When I see you, it’s like the welcoming of a new death
Like a withered rose dripping with my blood under this dim light bulb
Would a rose smell bitterer by any other name?
Only one is burnt into my mind
I lie here and scream this with you in mind
I lie here and imagine you in front of me
But the only way I can reach out and touch you
Is by letting my blood flow and these words go
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A Love Letter:
The first part of the story is interesting and made me think of a person's undying devotion of the one he'she loves. the symbolism seem a little cliche, but it fits the story perfectly; however, you kept using the words "I'm holding" a lot and you should use something different.
To My Abuser:
Now, this part of the story gave me chills as I read the part of pills and knives. This shows the gore and Gothic materials in each line. It shows how one person can be abused by their significant other and the person's attempt for suicide.
Thanks for the suggestons!
Strong concept with some really interesting images and ideas.
Some of the word choices could probably be re-thought, like the one Staring_at_ceiling pointed out. Maybe "more bitter" or another word altogether?
Also, you're very strong with your concrete images such as the ones in the first stanza. However, in the second stanza the poem becomes very overloaded. Such strong words and feelings need room to "breathe" - and the reader makes their own meaning.
Another thing was your use of adjectives-you have a few on each line which makes the poem a lot less powerful. Rethink each of these and it will really strengthen your piece - concentrate on the use of verbs and nouns.
Apart from these things I really enjoyed it, the poem has great potential.
Ok I REALLY liked this. It was very good. Just one or two suggestions...
This line seemed to long. It made the rest of the stanza seem out of place. If you shortened it, it might sound better. But it's not that bad. Just a suggestion.
Dont you think you might be able to change "bitterer" to another word? It just doesn't seem to fit. I see what you meant by it but I just think it could be changed to something else.
Besides that it was really good. Keep it up!